I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
