Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
