I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
