I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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