I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
