Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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