My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
