I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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