you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
