Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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