I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
FUCK WHALES
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize