Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
