she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
