the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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