you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Will exercising make me less horny?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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