There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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