I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
