there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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