shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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