We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
