i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
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And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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