Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
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He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
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What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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