I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
