Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
