rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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