no, he came in my armpit
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
