That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
