I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
