Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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