Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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