in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
