I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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