I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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