dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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