apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
