I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
