Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
