you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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