I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
