I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
