genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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