I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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