omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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