Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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