is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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