Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
