please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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