can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
