I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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