Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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