Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
