quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
