Banned from zoo.
Again?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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