I wannas sexs uuuuu
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
