I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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