I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You ruined the universe
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
